Tear-Stained

Once in the bathroom, the tears poured down and she threw her hand over her mouth to stifle her painful gasps. Where did this come from? she thought. Breath. Breath! she commanded herself and cautiously removed her  hand from her mouth, taking in deep breaths of air. "Control yourself," she whispered to her reflection as she frantically tried to hide all evidence of her tears. In a burst of what she thought what pure craziness, she started to laugh. "This is ridiculous," she muttered as her eyes shone a deep undeniable shade of green in the midst of bright red where they used to be white. "It's not like I can hide these eyes." Even as she said that she was running cold water over a cloth to cool her face and eyes. She took a few more deep breaths and decided this was the best she was going to look for at least half an hour, "so just suck it up, Lily," she muttered to herself.

"Lily?" she heard Chase question cautiously. "Lily, it's me, Chase. Come on. You don't have to hide from me like this." The mere act of his voicing this almost made Lily lose control again. She pressed her lips tightly together and one hand flung to her chest while the other secured itself to the wall.

Deep breaths, she continued to mutter. Deeeep breaths. "I....um... I...." she stammered trying to find strength to speak."

"Lily," Chase pleaded. "Lily, come on." Thinking she had herself under control, Lily opened the door, but the minute she looked Chase in the eyes, she collapsed into his arms.

"I.. I..." she stammered between uncontrollable gasps. "I can't! She... she... You can't make me! You can't!"

"Shh. Shh," Chase whispered. "Nobody is going to make you do anything," he said quietly as he guided her back into the living room couch. He continued to whisper comforting thoughts to her that she didn't register. She just felt the sadness taking over in a strange but comforted sleep and she drifted away to dreams of princes and dragons and war.

It appeared the volume in the dreams was so loud she didn't hear her dad coming in. She awoke the what she thought were the whispers of two knights sneaking out of an enemy prison, but as the voices registered, she recognized them as her dad talking in hushed tones with Chase. "It looks like she's waking up now," her father's voice said as her eyes struggled to adjust to this new reality."

"Dad?" she mumbled. She felt the comforting hands that had kept her safe through the dreams suddenly fly quickly away. Her eyes focused on her dad's face, which was changing from a state of concern to a state of  curious amusement. She followed his eyes to Chase, who seemed flustered and who was now easing her head to the sofa cushion and creeping conspicuously to the neighboring loveseat. "What? Umm..." she stuttered. "What's going on? What were you guys talking about?"

Dad's face now returned to the look of concern. "Honey, are you okay?" he asked.

Lily looked over at Chase who was now trying to draw attention away to his tear-stained t-shirt. He smiled quickly at Lily when he caught her studying him and directed her back to her dad. "I'm okay, Dad. I...," she wondered if this was the time to say this, but knew that without Chase here to guide her she might never get it out. "Dad."

"Yes?"

"Dad, I don't think I'll be going back to school in the fall."

"What!?" he exclaimed, caught off guard. "No. I don't..."

"No, Dad. That's not what I meant. I mean... I will be going back to school. I just won't be going back to that school." Her dad remained quiet, seemingly contemplating, trying to find reason, waiting for her explanation. "Do you remember that teacher in high school who wanted me to study linguistics in Maryland?" He nodded. "Well, I've thought it over, and I want to change my major." She looked quickly to Chase, suddenly panicked. Even she hadn't expected these to be the words coming out of her mouth. What happened to just for a semester or two until things passed? She cleared her throat. "Yes, well. Um, I want to study linguistics. They've got a great study abroad program in the final year. It will be an extra year of school, but you know, it's an amazing opportunity. Mrs. O'hara said it'd be no problem getting me in for the fall semester with her connections and my background." Lily's dad looked at her with a proud but still slightly distrusting smile. "Yes, I'm doing this in part because I plan to commute." He started to object, but she continued. "This past semester has been impossible. It was a struggle to keep my grades and my focus, and I wanted, needed really, to be closer to home. The professors were great, but they couldn't offer me my dad."

"But, pumpkin head," her dad objected quietly.

Lily smiled. "But nothing, Dad. It's all fallen into place in a way that I couldn't predict. There's only One who could be guiding this, right? Remember what you said when you left me at school last semester? About following God wherever his wind takes us? Well... the wind is blowing me back. So.... Let's make some dinner plans?" Now she was changing the subject, and Lily's dad and Chase seemed more than happy to simply leave it at that. God's will is a hard argument to fight against, afterall.

Big Decisions

She knew her plans were blown when she walked in the door and her the clinking of a spoon on a ceramic bowl. She shifted her weight to toss some of the non-grocery items to the floor before making her way into the kitchen. Her dad managed an awkward smile as she entered the room. "I thought you were still sleeping," he said. She laughed, noticing the clock read almost 10'o'clock.

"I was tired, but not that tired," she laughed. Her dad knew her normal habits all too well. Lily did enjoy nights moreso than mornings. "And you let me sleep without eating! I went outt to get some things for breakfast, but looks like I'll be making more of a lunch."

Her dad glanced towards the fridge. "I don't really stock up with just myself to feed. My clients feed me quite a bit, so I don't really need groceries." He tried to sound light-hearted, but Lily knew behind the explanation was actually an excuse to be out of the house as much as possible and the pain of eating alone.

"I hope you'll have some time at home while I'm here," she said quietly.

"Of course, but not today. Gotta catch up on some of the work I missed while I was on the road with you. Can't take you with me today-- too much stuff to cart around, but tomorrow will be a lighter day. What do you think about going with me on my calls tomorrow." Now it was Lily's turn for a half-hearted smile. She was disappointed to not spend this day with her dad, but knew tomorrow would be full of cultural experiences. Her dad was a salesman of many different services and his favorite clients he liked to show her off to were mostly small ethnic restaurant and shop owners who depended on her dad for everyday sales technologies and security.

Holding up one of the bags she said, "Agreed, but this weekend we're feasting on my food."

"You got it, pumpkin head," he smiled as he gave her a kiss and walked out the door. Lily sighed as she grabbed his bowl and noticed the newly installed dishwasher. She opened the washer and realized the only reason the kitchen wasn't littered with strange smells and dishes was because her dad hid them in the dishwasher. She looked for soap or detergent and didn't find either, so she decided to call Chase.

"Hey," she said. "It looks like my dad had other plans for today. Are you free?"

Chase brought over some detergent AND dish soap and as the washer ran, Lily made some coffee, and the two sat down for the fresh cinnamon rolls he'd brought as well. "Chase," she said once they were seated and comfortable in the living room. "I'm not sure what to do. I don't think Dad was actually ready to be alone. I mean, look at this place. If he didn't hire a cleaning lady, it'd be even worse!"

Chase looked at Lily with somber caring. "I'm not going to lie to you. He hasn't looked too great the times I've run into him. But your his daughter. I'm not sure there's anything you can do that won't make him more depressed. Can you imagine the pain of watching your own child take care of you? I'm telling you, it'd hurt his pride." Lily knew he was right, but she also knew that she couldn't return to school and just leave him at the end of the summer.

"He just needs a little time for adjustment," she said. She sat silent for a while, thinking and Chase just looked on, seemingly speechless. "No words? No ideas? That's not the Chase I know," she teased.

Chase didn't smile, but his face turned a slight shade of pink, something Lily was sure she'd only seen when she and two of her friends had found him a nickname that he hated and kept teasing him with it. Why was he embarrassed.

"I've been thinking. There's a language school just south of the state line. It's a long way to commute, but it's doable. I think it'd be a great opportunity for me to add on a major or even change majors and their study abroad programs are amazing. I could finish school there or just a semester, depending on how things go."

"What would your dad say?"

"If I told him about my struggles being away last semester he might believe I was doing it for myself more than for him. It has indeed been hard not being there. I feel I've been rushed into something, and I'm not sure that I wouldn't be doing it for myself."

Chase blushed again. Lily couldn't figure out why he kept doing that. She'd never seen him like this. He cleared his throat. "Well, you know D.C. isn't too far from there. It would indeed be amazing having you close by. You know... to... um... like old times, right?"

"Riiight," Lily said, not sure what was going on.

"Yes, well. Won't you miss your friends back in college? And what about that guy you kept telling me about back at the beginning of Christmas vacation?" Chase seemed to sense Lily's confusion and was quick to change the subject. He was also successful.

Lily sighed and looked down at her hands. "I've made some of the best friends I've ever had there," she said, then added quickly, "other than you. It will be hard to come back. I sometimes feel coming back that I'm not quite sure I belong here. But nothing will ever happen between Jacob and I. I don't know if it's the timing, but  even though I still have feelings for him something in me tells me he's never going to feel the same. Even if he would, I don't think I can think about these things right now. I just keep thinking that mom isn't here for me to share these great events with... so why rush to make them happen. No. Any relationship now would feel like I was just trying to cover up my mom's death.  How could I enjoy it?"

"You will have to enjoy something. Sometime. There's no reason to feel guilty about being happy. It's what your mom would want. She would be crushed if she thought her memory were keeping you from living life."

Tears were now streaming down Lily's face, and she didn't want them there. "Well, right now I'm crushed. And I don't feel like living in that way right now." She turned quickly, knowing he'd seen and heard her tears, but still trying to hide them with excuses. "I have to go to the bathroom," she exclaimed as she turned and practically sprinted to the downstairs bathroom.