Big Decisions

She knew her plans were blown when she walked in the door and her the clinking of a spoon on a ceramic bowl. She shifted her weight to toss some of the non-grocery items to the floor before making her way into the kitchen. Her dad managed an awkward smile as she entered the room. "I thought you were still sleeping," he said. She laughed, noticing the clock read almost 10'o'clock.

"I was tired, but not that tired," she laughed. Her dad knew her normal habits all too well. Lily did enjoy nights moreso than mornings. "And you let me sleep without eating! I went outt to get some things for breakfast, but looks like I'll be making more of a lunch."

Her dad glanced towards the fridge. "I don't really stock up with just myself to feed. My clients feed me quite a bit, so I don't really need groceries." He tried to sound light-hearted, but Lily knew behind the explanation was actually an excuse to be out of the house as much as possible and the pain of eating alone.

"I hope you'll have some time at home while I'm here," she said quietly.

"Of course, but not today. Gotta catch up on some of the work I missed while I was on the road with you. Can't take you with me today-- too much stuff to cart around, but tomorrow will be a lighter day. What do you think about going with me on my calls tomorrow." Now it was Lily's turn for a half-hearted smile. She was disappointed to not spend this day with her dad, but knew tomorrow would be full of cultural experiences. Her dad was a salesman of many different services and his favorite clients he liked to show her off to were mostly small ethnic restaurant and shop owners who depended on her dad for everyday sales technologies and security.

Holding up one of the bags she said, "Agreed, but this weekend we're feasting on my food."

"You got it, pumpkin head," he smiled as he gave her a kiss and walked out the door. Lily sighed as she grabbed his bowl and noticed the newly installed dishwasher. She opened the washer and realized the only reason the kitchen wasn't littered with strange smells and dishes was because her dad hid them in the dishwasher. She looked for soap or detergent and didn't find either, so she decided to call Chase.

"Hey," she said. "It looks like my dad had other plans for today. Are you free?"

Chase brought over some detergent AND dish soap and as the washer ran, Lily made some coffee, and the two sat down for the fresh cinnamon rolls he'd brought as well. "Chase," she said once they were seated and comfortable in the living room. "I'm not sure what to do. I don't think Dad was actually ready to be alone. I mean, look at this place. If he didn't hire a cleaning lady, it'd be even worse!"

Chase looked at Lily with somber caring. "I'm not going to lie to you. He hasn't looked too great the times I've run into him. But your his daughter. I'm not sure there's anything you can do that won't make him more depressed. Can you imagine the pain of watching your own child take care of you? I'm telling you, it'd hurt his pride." Lily knew he was right, but she also knew that she couldn't return to school and just leave him at the end of the summer.

"He just needs a little time for adjustment," she said. She sat silent for a while, thinking and Chase just looked on, seemingly speechless. "No words? No ideas? That's not the Chase I know," she teased.

Chase didn't smile, but his face turned a slight shade of pink, something Lily was sure she'd only seen when she and two of her friends had found him a nickname that he hated and kept teasing him with it. Why was he embarrassed.

"I've been thinking. There's a language school just south of the state line. It's a long way to commute, but it's doable. I think it'd be a great opportunity for me to add on a major or even change majors and their study abroad programs are amazing. I could finish school there or just a semester, depending on how things go."

"What would your dad say?"

"If I told him about my struggles being away last semester he might believe I was doing it for myself more than for him. It has indeed been hard not being there. I feel I've been rushed into something, and I'm not sure that I wouldn't be doing it for myself."

Chase blushed again. Lily couldn't figure out why he kept doing that. She'd never seen him like this. He cleared his throat. "Well, you know D.C. isn't too far from there. It would indeed be amazing having you close by. You know... to... um... like old times, right?"

"Riiight," Lily said, not sure what was going on.

"Yes, well. Won't you miss your friends back in college? And what about that guy you kept telling me about back at the beginning of Christmas vacation?" Chase seemed to sense Lily's confusion and was quick to change the subject. He was also successful.

Lily sighed and looked down at her hands. "I've made some of the best friends I've ever had there," she said, then added quickly, "other than you. It will be hard to come back. I sometimes feel coming back that I'm not quite sure I belong here. But nothing will ever happen between Jacob and I. I don't know if it's the timing, but  even though I still have feelings for him something in me tells me he's never going to feel the same. Even if he would, I don't think I can think about these things right now. I just keep thinking that mom isn't here for me to share these great events with... so why rush to make them happen. No. Any relationship now would feel like I was just trying to cover up my mom's death.  How could I enjoy it?"

"You will have to enjoy something. Sometime. There's no reason to feel guilty about being happy. It's what your mom would want. She would be crushed if she thought her memory were keeping you from living life."

Tears were now streaming down Lily's face, and she didn't want them there. "Well, right now I'm crushed. And I don't feel like living in that way right now." She turned quickly, knowing he'd seen and heard her tears, but still trying to hide them with excuses. "I have to go to the bathroom," she exclaimed as she turned and practically sprinted to the downstairs bathroom.